Saturday, June 22, 2013

Time for Forgiveness by steph mastini

I started this blog to as a way to share my journey but also to share my life experiences with just that~Forgotten Ones.
Nothing can ever take away your family physically except when they leave this earth.  
I will always be a mother, and don't regret any of the years of joy, sorrow, pain, and struggles.  
I left my ex husband Stephen Scarano to provide a better life for my children.  They were only two and four and I left with the clothes on my back and anything I could pack of the kids in a few bags.  I didn't have a car, nor money in my pocket.  I left with my head up high and as I slipped into the car that my friend picked me up in she said, "do you know where you are going"? I told her that I had to try and see if my parents would take us in.  
I called my parents and they said that they didn't approve of my decision (divorce was just a whispered word ), but I knew that it was not a safe or healthy environment for my children, 
and I was forced to look elsewhere for a roof over my head.  
I was greeted by my brother at his small apartment and after a few days it was obvious that the neighbors were not going to tolerate two toddlers running around above them.  I was at a crossroads, or rather a dead end,when I was told by my father and mother that they had spoken to my in-laws and they agreed to take my children for as long as it took until I could obtain a job and a place to live for me and my children.  I was overcome with tears as I handed them over to my in-laws and as I was saying goodbye I found out later that I was not privy to the conversation   of my sister-in-law 
and Stephen's parents.  They said that they had no intention of giving me back my kids and that they would fight me in court for custody.  My ex-husband was living with his parents so it was me against the whole Scarano family.
I was given an old green beat up Checker Cab car by my brother John Mastini,and I had a job 
the next day as a courier for a wine wholesaler in Scarsdale , NY.  I would pick up the mail and deliver checks to customers and banks in NYC.   
I loved my job and my car was hanging on literally with duct tape and prayers.  One day, after many weeks of begging and trying to negotiate seeing my children, I finally received the word that I would be allowed to drive to Connecticut to see them.  I woke up the next morning very excited to find out that my car was dead.  I had no idea how I was going to pick them up. I was dropped off at work by my brother and he refused to help me.  We had an argument and I was devastated.  
As I went about my daily duty to pick up the mail I had tears running down my face and looked up under my news boy cap and saw the man behind the counter that I had exchanged pleasantries looking at me with a concerned look.  I needed to pick up a registered letter so I walked up to the window.  He immediately asked me what was wrong.  That is the day 

Philip Lucenti, Jr. came into my life.  I explained my situation,  he was very concerned about me and  said "I'll be right back".  One minute later, he handed me his keys and said that he wanted me to use his car to see my kids.  I was shocked and found it hard to express how grateful I felt.  His car was parked out back and he told me to look for a black car parked in the corner ...I was in shock, this man had lent me his brand new 1980 Firebird.  The sun bounced it's rays off the pristine coat of paint and my journey had begun.  I felt as I if had been cloaked with a safe warm blanket of hope. 
The next week I returned his favor with freshly made pasta fettucine alfredo.  I never left his side for three years after that night. I know that the pain of two years of custody battle and my physical custody outcome, could never been endured or made possible if it was not for this incredibly kind man.  I wish I could tell him how much he changed my life. and how our marriage was a gift. He held out his hand and lifted me up when I was falling down.  I know that Philip Lucenti, Jr, will always be my special angel.  We can never predict the outcome or why things happen but I know there is a special place in heaven for people that are selfless.  
Philip was a very special man and I thank God every day that he was there to throw me his keys. 

One simple gesture can change a person's life.  I hope that the gestures I have made to my daughter Cara Podenski and my son Jasonstephen Scarano  will someday tickle their brain waves and realize that I was not perfect but I was always there for them.  I hope my daughter Cara can forgive her father and start loving again.  I will never stop trying.  I called her on her wedding day but she refused to take the phone. I honestly don't know why she had me blocked from her wedding and even said in a letter that she was hiring security to make sure I would be removed if I tried to attend...I think that she is taking her anger out on me since her father abandoned her many years ago. She and her brother know in their hearts that the truth is, I was never gone and I am always going to be here.  I forgive her for the many hurtful things she did to me. I just want her to know that I do feel forgotten and worse punished for what I still don't understand, and she has no explanation for her behavior.  My son has also blocked me from his life.  I wish they had at least tried to reach out to me when I needed my family during my cancer bouts and surgeries. 
I am first, a mother. I only see my children as gifts.
I forgive both of my children and it's not even forgiveness but the ability to love.  I hope that I have instilled this in them . To my children I say, please don't forget our life together, and above all, try and remember the times that we laughed and made the best of everything we had.
I believe in Karma and  also know that God has a reason for the hurt that my family has imposed on me.  It has definitely made me stronger and more forgiving .
I believe that if and when I have grandchildren that might be the impetus that shakes Jason and Cara to their senses.  I can only pray that the darkness they hold close to their hearts will turn into light and they will be guided back to me. 
 I know that as a mother, you can't take away memories. Catch those stars with your hearts Cara and Jason Scarano.  I know you have it in you, because I am in you.  Every day.

No comments: