Monday, August 2, 2010
I have been busy going through old photos, and journals lately. I have commiserated on all aspects of how to get it all together in some sort of order. How can I put all my life stories on the blank pages of yet unfinished memoirs. That is my debacle. It is overwhelming. I have felt joy, love, anger, frustration, but I have never given up hope.
There has been a bevy of comments written about me and I have reveled in the joy of living my life by my rules. I live to feel my fingertips abound with colors that illuminate my life, but lately those colors have turned murky. I don't know why I feel so deeply about the joys and sorrows of others, but I do. I am lucky to have been loved in my lifetime. Deeply. I want to shout out to the world that one should ever give up, but I find myself barraged by the past and I need to go forward. I am in a rain puddle and can't seem to tip toe out of it, and dry myself off. I guess the angst I am feeling should be a blessing to my art, but now it just feels like I am being weighed down. My own children and family are not there for me, yet I keep hoping that the tears I cry at night will turn into pearls of wisdom that I can pass on to others. No one should be in such pain. I have faced the storms and battled great warriors on this earth. I am looking for peace, yet all I find lately are obstacles. I need to rest and stop thinking about the past, or so I am told. I can not make sense of a world of sadness that is enveloping me. My art is my ticket to living with joy. Let's hope I can get on that path again. I will survive with dignity and hopefully with this book I am writing, just maybe, I can put some closure to all that I am feeling deep down inside. I don't want to waste another moment of my life regurgitating the sorrows and misfortunes that have crossed my path. I am proud to have gotten to this crossroad since it has proven to me that I will never give up. I am making my mark on this world, and not listening to the negative voices in my head, and the outside demons any longer. Now, if you don't mind...I need some time to allow myself an ugly yet beautiful cry..long and hard and allow the clouds to lift in my life. I will see the sunshine sooner than later. You can too...that is why I am writing this book. For me. For you