I AM VERY HARD TO KILL !

                                  Breast Cancer Survivor 
October has come around again.  It is the month for breast cancer awareness. I try very hard to give people hope.   My story is an ode to stubbornness and a will to survive. 
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  I’ve been having some new medical symptoms,  My new Bloodwork leans towards a polymyalgia diagnosis and Breast implant illness.   I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia for years now but all of a sudden every muscle in my body hurts.  I’ve been having some arrhythmia too. I’m very fatigued and I have not been myself.  Graves’ disease is a difficult disease to manage.  It requires regular bloodwork and It has also effected my heart. I found breast cancer twice, both times so small that my surgeon said she’s never seen anyone find cancer that small . I truly believe that when my implants are removed I will feel so much better.  I have goals. I will not succumb to a giving up attitude.  I’m a fighter. 

      I’m talking about my health, because frankly I am very concerned.  It brings me to a personal inner pain.  No one in my immediate family will even acknowledge that I’m alive.  It is very upsetting that after my Dad passed away I was completely ostracized. I haven’t met my five year old grandson.  My daughter,  Cara Podenski, only let me speak to him a few times on Skype. Then all of a sudden after Thanksgiving in 2017,  my daughter was exhibiting a totally different attitude towards me. I felt like I was being attacked and I said you sound like you’re brainwashed for some reason. The outcome of that short conversation was her promising that I would never see or talk to my grandson Everest.  She didn’t even give me a chance to say why I felt that way or that I was sorry if it upset her. Nothing. She has blocked my phone my mail and caused me great pain. 
      I understand my adult son, Jason Scarano,  is living with my sister and her family.  Last time, we were together he drove my car 60 mph over a RR track and took the whole back end of my car out.  That was 2008.  It was the last time we spoke,  not because of anything I said or did,  but after being with his father so long he developed some issues that I don’t know if he’s ever resolved.  Obviously he hasn’t in regards to his mother.  It was very traumatic for me when my sister went behind my back while I was at work, and  put my son on a plane to go live with his father. She did not have my permission. I have physical custody. I can’t for the life of me understand how she could do such a thing I still can’t.  I don’t think I ever will understand.   You just can’t rip a child away from their mother.  I don’t honestly know how my sister sleeps at night after the horrible things that she’s done in the past to me.  I know she could never be alone.  I think that her husband helps her forget all that she’s done.  

     I have always tried to help my sister, Francine Mastini, (aka JayneFury) many times, even after what she did. I don’t understand someone who claims they are such an oblate Catholic and can be so heartless towards her own sister.  I know she lives in a fantasy world.  
     It helped that I am just like my Dad.  Stubborn and driven.  My daughter takes after me.  One night in their home in Hartsdale, NY  he told my mother he thought something was wrong with his heart, but as usual my mother balked .  He insisted and was transported by ambulance first to White Plains Hospital, but his symptoms were of concern and they brought him to Montefiore Hospital just as his aorta burst. It was truly a miracle.  He knew his body and he survived.

     I recall the day my Dad had the life saving surgery.  I was in upstate New York a few hours away. My mother called me and I started to figure out how I was going to get there by bus. It took me four buses but I managed to get there before my mother and my brother. They were only a half an hour away.  When I went into the recovery room I did not recognize my father. He was completely swelled up because they had to cool his body almost to a freezing point to be able to repair the aorta. I recall it was pretty dark in the room and I started to cry. The nurse immediately took me out and Told me that I could not be upset when I was there with my father. I entered and remain calm.  It was the eeriest feeling standing next to his bed in the dimmed room. Then, it was like the room suddenly lit up and my dad opened his eyes and he slowly took my hand.  My dad was not a man that was overtly affectionate. I never heard him say that he loved me. I don’t recall. But that day he whispered I love you to me. I was overcome with emotion as I left the room.  The nurse took me aside and asked me what happened.  I said he took my hand and for a moment she looked startled. That’s when I found out that they thought he would be paralyzed on the side he took my hand. It was my father’s way of telling me that he wasn’t paralyzed and he wanted me to be the one to know.  I know that my Dad is watching over me.  Not because I’m empathic, but because I really do know that he is here with me and at times he is telling me to get the hell into my studio.

     I just wish somebody could get through to my daughter so I could talk to my grandson.  I am not looking for any sympathy at all. I’m a strong brave woman but I am concerned. So far I’ve been right about everything.  Afraid she’s going to regret her actions and they will follow my grandson. 

     My BF In Canada has tried to talk to my daughter but all she said was oh “she talked you into calling me?” No.  I did not. I actually objected when she told me she was going to call her.  She hasn’t called me even though I’ve had surgeries that were pretty intense and I do forgive her but until I get to see my grandson I remain hurt and disillusioned.

    My daughter won’t even acknowledge the gifts I send my grandson. She has a great job at University of Washington.  She has everyone fooled. Anybody who knows me knows I don’t lie, I don’t exaggerate and I always put my heart into everything I do. That is why my father had me as his health proxy.  I really have stayed in VA because of my health and all the surgeries and trying to get stable with Graves’ disease.  My Graves’ disease is something I fight every day. I’ve had three eye surgeries and I had to have my thyroid removed. 

      I just know that if something happens and I’m gone, I would hate that my grandson would feel angry and upset that he never got the chance to know me.  My daughter,  you have always done just what you want in your life, something I wasn’t able to do, but I will never regret putting you first.  Sure, there’s been many opportunities such as modeling and acting and even studying abroad that my daughter did not want me to do,  so I didn’t. I listened because I didn’t want to lose her like I lost my son. They are both over 40 and I was really hoping that they would be mature enough to understand the love of a mother just never goes away?  I just hope one day soon Cara realizes that what she’s doing is not only hurting me, but also my grandson.  When I was talking to her she wouldn’t even let me pick out my name for him to call me. Talk about control. Maybe that works in the business world and I see she has glowing reviews, but when it comes to being a grandparent we are allowed to pick our name. 

     I’m desperate because I would not want my grandson to be the victim in my daughter’s cruel treatment. I am sad, but most of all I am alive.   I will never stop trying to have a relationship with my daughter and my grandson.  

     I do not want him to have regrets in his life. I don’t want my daughter to have regrets but sometimes I don’t know if she even has any feelings at all.  .  

     I don’t have regrets.   I have hope.