My mother could sing ..

  No one prepared me for my mother's death.  My sister and brother don’t communicate. So just now when I got the winning last question On jeopardy I just lost it.  I remember the usual nights at my parents.  Jeopardy was watched as we ate dinner and how proud they were of me as I answered many of the questions . .   I need closure of some kind.  Why is this happening? I suddenly burst out in tears  . The last year's of my father's life I spent every possible day with them.  My mom was a smart woman, and she wasn’t a vain woman. She made allot of children very happy as a teacher’s aide.  Where is a Mass card?  I never even got one of the promised last remains. My daughter told me there were three containers for her children.  

Tears again ... just thinking of that moment I last saw her at the door saying goodbye after I had spent a month with her in  2011. I was really happy I spent that time with her.  She was a simple woman but yet she knew a lot of trivia and modern day music and she could sing,  God could she sing.  I saw her face light up when she said “I dance now “. It was an adolescent like giddiness.  I wish I could have been there at the funeral.  No one will answer my phone calls and I know nothing about the funeral and even if there was a viewing . I feel really left out. Unfortunately,  I had my eye surgery scheduled for the next day. I waited 8 mos, to have the surgery . I know she would’ve wanted me to have it.   I remember putting make up on her when she was going to a luncheon. I remember her laying on her bed when I sat on the floor and talked to my friend. She would interject comments. She loved Lady Gaga and the fact her name was also Stephanie.  I treasure those days.  

My mother could be very funny. She was very quick and in the end to see her struggling for words was devestating .  I can’t get the picture or the finality out of my head .  I just wanted some closure to share with my sister and brother .  My sister was on the plane the moment she heard from my brother that my mama passed away in that horrible nursing home where my Aunt put her along with my Grandparents.  She could not wait to get the spoils of what my father had left her. I have each document copied so I know what was in the estate and between all the money I lost moving and good intention well, My sister and brother split a lot of money. More than the house my father left me. So my question is why are they still not talking to me? I want to know all the details of the funeral and I also want to be able to have a relationship with my children who are now adults.  I would think they would’ve looked back and remembered  how much I sacrificed by now. 

Everybody pretty much knows that I had Many opportunities to study abroad and model and even acting school. I did not seek out these opportunities, believe me, they came to me... I can’t stop thinking of that woman On the plane they gave me her card after sitting with her over six hours. Please call me you’ve got it. The card had her name and it said the director of Seattle acting school. I didn’t call because my daughter was already upset that when I took her to the modeling agency they wanted me to do TV commercials. I said no again because my daughter just was so angry .  Why couldn’t they see that these were good things.  Did she should’ve been proud not jealous and upset with me. Oh I can’t go back but at least give me my grandson to see and talk to. And I really wanted to have a relationship with my family.  I traveled to Seattle from Virginia Beach after I had gone up to New York and then I spent two years there with only seeing my daughter twice. My sister did not want me around. It broke my heart. And then my brother was begging me for two years to move to Georgia. I thought I have my niece and nephew and my brother as a family but no, My brother deliberately had me convinced that I should pick up Everything again and go from Seattle Washington to Nowhere Georgia,  just to tell me that I didn’t deserve what I had. He was jealous and angry at me !  He said I shouldn’t have the house that my father left me. He was angry and told me I didn’t deserve it.  I bought that big house for them to enjoy with their friends .  I’m going to say this again and again.  My parents wanted me to have the house. My father said I earned every bit of that house. I was always caring for them,  not just cleaning and cooking but bringing them love and affection and taking care of them in and out of hospital.   I was the one who took my mother to have surgery on her nose because it was cancer. I stood in that room while the surgeon took out a huge portions and I smelled the flesh burning .  I spent the whole day trying to make her comfortable. Then in the middle of a huge storm I packed her up and brought her to the hospital to finish the surgery because it was so large you could drop a quarter in her nose and needed a plastic surgeon to finish the procedure .   I remember asking the doctor to please give her something to calm her down before the surgery. I was there for my mother  many times making dinner and cleaning .  I remember having coffee with my cousins every couple of weeks at the house with my parents. It was a wonderful feeling.  I was wanted, I was needed . My Cousins said you are a really good daughter. I felt “they like me, they really like me”.  So my question is how could they be so cruel to me when I need help now.  I have been there for everyone. Always. But they just abandoned me. I was a good sister and a really good mother. But I did not deserve to be thrown out of the family like my son said.  I just wish my daughter would just stop hurting me .  I’m being punished for what reason? Please, let me just have a relationship with my grandson Everest .  I know he would take away the pain of losing my parents. The inner pain . 

 I’m just holding on for dear life. This disease of graves gets worse with stress. I can’t help my feelings. I can’t just turn them off. I started having a wonderful relationship as Nonna .  He liked talking to me on Skype.  I miss his smile.  I miss the love of being loved.