Ten Years Later. Kintsugi and Survival

2008 February Day before Mastectomy

 In Japan, they don’t see the cracks or scars as broken pieces.
Kintsugi teaches that broken objects are not something to hide but to display with pride. 
The unique cracks each tell a story. The breaks become beauty.  
They take on a whole new life of their own. I am “kintsugi”.  My art has always reflected my scars.  This has become a whole new awareness for me and my art.

I am now in the tenth year of my breast cancer survival.  I was all ready to have final two procedures to finish my breast reconstruction.  At the last hour the night before my surgery, literally the 11th hour I was told that I didn’t have an aide for overnight stay, so anesthesia was out . My plastic surgeon is a real NY curmudgeon,  He was mad at me when I arrived at his office. I walked in and he looked stern.  He said he was not happy about screwing up his surgery schedule.  I tried to explain how it was the Personal Aide Agency that messed my surgery up by not sending one to stay with me.  He asked “are you up to this" and I said yes. 

When his nurse called me day before, after I had
to cancel surgery next morning, I overheard him
say he would be able to perform half of the procedure, with local numbing injections in his surgical room in his office. The plan was to finish nipple surgery. I endured more lidocaine into my 
bruised areas from first part of surgery I had in the office a week before. It's a fascinating process. 

For an hour and a half I had huge light above me ; no, I thought, not now.  I felt my body shake from the inside out. I was having a real PTSD melt down. I couldn’t stop this now. I concentrated and thought this is truly an amazing process . All I can say, is if I didn’t keep my New York 
mouth going, I would’ve panicked, but he started talking and 
asking me tons of questions .
My family was the main topic and I told him about my brother and sister and what they did before my mother's passing. We talked nonstop and I worked through the pain of every stitch with humor including a funny interrogation about my ex brother in law Kevin Spacey.

Today I am completely bandaged up again with all kinds of sutures and stitches. The rest of my ten year wait would soon be finalized after this healed .  The last surgery will be under anesthesia . I'm almost there. Anybody who knows me is aware that I found my own two cancer tumors . The doctors and surgeons have always been quick to tell me 
how impressed they were that I found them so small.   I had a lumpectomy in 2006 and some radiation.  Then I burned and had to stop.
In 2008, I found the second breast cancer and 
had to have a total Mastectomy. I was never afraid.  I then started my breast reconstruction after that.  I truly believe in karma. I also know that my beloved cat Picasso would put his paw on the 
exact spot . He was half Balinese and they possess an ability to pinpoint
 your pain.  This cancer is also hereditary.  

PTSD is so very difficult for anyone to understand unless they have it. I try to give people slack when they don’t understand that certain things trigger it.  It’s not predictable.  It has a life of its own. It requires patience and understanding from others but most importantly each crack and scar in my life is beauty.  Kintsugi.