‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

If you are alone right now and feeling very sad then you are not alone.  This is the last

Christmas I’m going to be alone.

I hope my daughter someday understands what true “family” means.

 

I am fighting a battle every day medically.  

When everyone needed me I was always there. I went up and beyond and over.  

For what ? To not be invited to go to your own daughter’s wedding? It certainly does not mean that you keep my grandson away from even a computer until he was four.. And then after less than a half a dozen Skype calls you just tell me I will never talk or see Everest again.

All I need to know is why? 

I’m all alone because I became very ill when I lived in Georgia . I had to find a place fast. I lived in a town where no one understood my disease because they didn’t want to. 

I had to muster every bit of courage and 

strength left in me to pack up that 2400 

square-foot house after thinking how the hell am I going to get out of there. I did it and I was half dead. When I arrived here I had half the money I started with because of all the good intentions I had flying from here in Virginia to Seattle just to be snubbed by my own daughter. I was sad. I 

was lonely. My brother knew that and for two years he begged me to go to GA. When I got there he told me I didn’t deserve a house. I still can’t understand how anybody could do that to anyone especially a brother.   I went there with all good intentions and bought a big house so that his kids could have a 

nice place to come to invite their friends also. 

My intentions were pure and good. 

I was alone in a town one hour North of Atlanta

I knew I was getting sick.  I was going blind at night in my left eye and sometimes my eyes were tearing constantly. I went to any Opthomologist in the area I could find just to be told I have dry eyes. No I had Graves’ disease. I must’ve gone to the emergency room at least a half a dozen times because of arrhythmia.

Finally, I realized if I go back to Virginia at least I know there are good doctors there. It was such a struggle to find a place.  I stayed for 45 days at the Marriott because I couldn’t find a house.

I had a free breakfast and Safety or so I thought. 

I was wrong about the safety because I kept getting moved from one suite to another because I couldn’t breathe. The air-conditioning units were so stuffed up with mold and dust it was a death trap. I finally found this place just to be faced with rude nasty neighbors.  Just my luck. 

So once again I’m sitting in front of the television with a little Christmas tree with no 

ornaments but I do have lights on it, watching

White Christmas.” I am a strong woman. I’m 

also sensitive one. And that’s what makes me 

more of a Mastini then my brother or sister ever will be. 

When is it going to get a little bit easier for me. . I’m in the 1%. I have everything. It’s in my eyes, it’s on my legs. I’m just trying to hold on for dear life. So my message to all of you is be very grateful for the people that love you and do not leave you stranded. I think the reason I’m still alive

is because I’ve helped everyone my whole life. 

Believe me I don’t want any kind of pity . I’m just

 trying to figure out if there’s anybody else out there feeling like this tonight ? I keep going and going like an energizer bunny that is about to run out of power. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I deserve better and right now my feelings are all over the place . I will always be there for everyone but right now I want someone 

to be there for me.

  I’m trying very hard to get on a new medication and it’s not working out very well.  Pig thyroid can be great but It’s very unstable. Synthroid is a lot more stable.  I am determined to find a natural way of treating this insipid disease

The grief after my father passed away was so intense That shook for a very long time.  It was devastating.  When I found out that my father’s casket was taken away even though he had bought it and planned and paid for everything, I broke down at the funeral home.  I keep thinking how could my siblings and mother have taken his casket away so they could pocket the money .

 My Father rarely broke down. The  years he was on oxygen 24 hours a day were hard for him.  I felt every single breath that he took. I remember how he confided in me and cried .  He wanted to see his grandchildren.  My brother lived in Georgia.

My brother said I don’t want to get into trouble. His girlfriend almost killed his two children being in a car drunk.  He said he was so afraid of the police picking him up for breaking some sort of ludicrous custody papers. My father was sad .You have no idea how angry I was when he showed up at the funeral home with his two kids. My father was already cremated without his casket.  I’m not trying to be morose.  I’m trying to explain that this is the family that have thrown me away.  I don’t want to be like them.

The more I write this, the more I realize how much I have in my heart. They don’t have a heart. When my father died that night , it is still a mystery how he got out of the 

hospital bed they delivered that day.   What they told me is that he tried punching the aide that delivered the bed.  He was so weak from the chemo that we agreed he wouldn’t get but out of desperation he tried it. A few months before his death we had a falling out over my error. I hired what I thought was a qualified CNA but turned out had quite a criminal record.  I pulled the records and faxed them to my Mother and the aide grabbed them out of the fax machine and he never did get to see those records of the aid and all the crimes that she had committed.

I discovered my first breast cancer at the same time he was dying in 2006. 

My father was found on the couch . He never sat on the couch.  He had his leather chair and that is  always where I found him at 2 o’clock watching Bonanza. I would 

walk in the door and he would smile and say “there’s my sweetheart”

He died in his sleep facing the painting I gave my parents for their fiftieth anniversary.

On his left sat his beloved model Amerigo Vespucci. Where that boat is now I have no idea.  I don’t even know if my mother was in a casket because I had to have eye surgery the day of her funeral.  I was really blessed not to see him at the end.  My sister had to make sure she showed a photo of what he looked like bald and I had a terrible panic attack when I saw it. 

This is my declaration.  I will no longer feel bad that the people that are supposed to 

be there for me as family aren’t.  They don’t  acknowledge my existence. 

The last time I saw my mother I knew it would be the last time I would see her.  She  waving from the door of her condo in New York as I got into the car- destination Westchester airport.

I was on the way back home, but it didn’t feel like home. New York is the only place makes me feel home again. 

I will never forget her smile as she waved goodbye.  I knew that would be the last time I would see her.  I just can’t stop seeing doors, but  there are also doors that open into paradise. My 

paradise is my art. 

I have too much to live for and many more stories and paintings inside of me.

I can do this. There will be some bumps in the road. But there will not be a deadly crash.  I’m not in anyway believing that they will ever care. This is probably the hardest time in my life. But there’s also a rainbow 🌈 

Never far from sight.

s.