Silver Beaver Award

I was thinking today about my life as a daughter of a man that was so beloved by so many.  My mother was always trying to be more than the background. She managed pretty well. She was at all the  events.  Wherever and whenever she could she entered the worm hole! If there was any opportunity to be a part of my Dad’s very active community and decisions such as a den mother she was eager to join. When I see them here I conjure up the many awards and accolades Dad received. I truly believe that without her always by his side he could not have built his legacy.  

The last year’s of my mother’s life seem like a blur after my Dad was gone. I was trying to keep the fort down many times while I watched my parents love and raw emotions they shared.  My mother acted as if she was trying to erase a lot of the pain seeing my father physically struggling by keeping herself as busy as possible. She had a lot to share and needed to get out .  So she volunteered at the ementary school down the road. I would go with her sometimes, that’s the way we bonded and I enjoyed working with the kids. That is what she did for a profession and she loved it. She laughed a lot and enjoyed her years teaching.  

  They did fight like cats and dogs. Apropos since Mastini is Mastiff dog and Gatta (mom maiden name)means cat.  But in the end I want to look back at this special award as a symbol of the many times they shared including this one. 
   My father was awarded the highest honor In Boy Scouts, The Silver Beaver award. It was very coveted award. There were many stipulations and letters written commending my Dad’s dedication, love and passion for his community and boys. 

  You could see and feel the glow emanating from both of 
them.  Mom was by his side and devoted to him.  I don’t want to think about the difficult times of the past except to know that the last year‘s of my parents lives were ones that I felt special and and an only child. It’s not what I planned. Everything happens for a reason. Honestly, it overshadows the pain my family is inflicting on me presently. I know in my heart that I was there for everyone. I also know that my father would be devastated if he knew the pain that I am in now and the way my family is treating me. I can honestly say that being abandoned my own children would incite his anger and pain, especially since I am so alone and ill after trying so hard to help my siblings.

  The ironic part is very painful, because my daughter has not allowed me to see my grand child just the way my brother kept my parent’s grandchildren away for almost a decade. I want to say it doesn’t bother me but that would be a lie. I’m not good at lying. I’m not good at pretending feelings unless I’m acting. I’m not acting when I say that my daughter has hurt me in such a way that it is hard to explain because there is no explanation at all.  So, I wake up every day,  trying very hard to take care of myself. By myself. I don’t know if there is a way to forgive. I am trying, but the pain I feel physically on top of my emotional whiplash is always in the background. Every time I see a photo of friends of mine with their grandchildren I try to control the pain. 

     My grandson is going to come looking for me very soon. He will want to know me. That’s what keeps me from the anger overriding the love I feel for him.  Sometimes I close  my eyes and see Everest playing with the many toys, games and books I send regularly.  No I don’t honestly know if my daughter gives them to him.  I have no way of knowing, but I do know in my head.  I see her reading the Christmas book I sent him. After much deliberation I chose it for the beautiful photos and Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales.  I want him  to have a vivid imagination just as I did my daughter and son.

     Time does not heal all pain. As I’ve said before there’s a reason for everything but a person can’t just forget a lifetime of memories and family.  Albeit, Over the top dysfunctional. 

    My health is huge factor adding to my emotional pain.  I am the daughter of two very special and different people. That is what keeps me going. This photo has opened the drawers in my mind that I’ve kept closed for a very long time. Those infinite amount of files are filled with many wonderful memories. And for that I am so grateful.  The files and other drawers are waiting in my studio to paint my emotions.  My art has saved me many times. I am sure that my art will be my much needed life line.  Yes Dad, I was born to paint and create. I have to push through any obstacles. My Dad’s best friend told me I was my father’s proudest award. I am very proud to have been there when he needed to continue his passion.  I was the vehicle that helped him continue his passion.  For that I am so grateful.  I never forget that my father lives within me.

   My father’s Silver Beaver award holds a very special place on my wall.