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On February 12,  2020 I will be having Breast explant surgery.  This  article explains what many women are going through right now. I think that it is what’s in my mind presently. It is not the actual surgery and how difficult the recovery will be. What I am feeling is grief.  Honestly, I never felt the pain that I’m feeling now knowing that I will not have any breasts any longer. When I had my mastectomy they also placed my implants in. I woke up having nice round perky breasts. Now those breasts are going to be gone.   *Update*   Six months have passed and I’m feeling better every day since having explant surgery.   It was a couple of challenging weeks at first, but every day is better than the last.  I’m really glad that I had the surgery, and I encourage other women to follow suit.  The toxic bags are gone and I have such a bright future.  Ciao.  For now.        This article is in  My Favorites  ( Remove ) Sign in to receive recommendations  ( Learn more) 201

                                  Breast Cancer Survivor  October has come around again.  It is the month for breast cancer awareness. I try very hard to give people hope.   My story is an ode to stubbornness and a will to survive.  ******************************************************   I’ve been having some new medical symptoms,  My new Bloodwork leans towards a polymyalgia diagnosis and Breast implant illness.   I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia for years now but all of a sudden  every muscle in my body hurts.  I’ve been having some arrhythmia too. I’m very fatigued and I have not been myself.  Graves’ disease is a difficult disease to manage.  It requires regular bloodwork and It has also effected my heart.  I found breast cancer twice, both times so small that my surgeon said she’s never seen anyone find cancer that small .  I truly believe that when my implants are removed I will feel so much better.  I have goals. I will not succumb to a giving up attitude.  I’m

    I have been filled with a new drive.    I am writing my book.     For years I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the phrase “ you have to write a book”     I’ve been compiling my adventures and stories of survival for many years in my journals. It’s so strange to have started this project and every day I remember more and more .       They’re just coming to me so easily. Why not? They're all true. That’s what’s so fun about this, but it’s also very emotional. I have carte blanche on my life and hoping soon to share stories of survival.     What a life I have had and I’m still on the road to recovery and hope.     Reliving my adventures are building blocks of my paintings.     To be able to tie them together is now an epiphany.     This is my life. Stay tuned.

I was thinking today about my life as a daughter of a man that was so beloved by so many.  My mother was always trying to be more than the background. She managed pretty well. She was at all the  events.  Wherever and whenever she could she entered the worm hole! If there was any opportunity to be a part of my Dad’s very active community and decisions such as a den mother she was eager to join. When I see them here I conjure up the many awards and accolades Dad received. I truly believe that without her always by his side he could not have built his legacy.   The last year’s of my mother’s life seem like a blur after my Dad was gone. I was trying to keep the fort down many times while I watched my parents love and raw emotions they shared.  My mother acted as if she was trying to erase a lot of the pain seeing my father physically struggling by keeping herself as busy as possible. She had a lot to share and needed to get out .  So she volunteered at the ementary school do

If you are alone right now and feeling very sad then you are not alone.    This is the last Christmas I’m going to be alone. I hope my daughter someday understands what true “family” means.   I am fighting a battle every day medically.   When everyone needed me I was always there. I went up and beyond and over.   For what ? To not be invited to go to your own daughter’s wedding? It certainly does not mean that you keep my grandson away from even a computer until he was four.. And then after less than a half a dozen Skype calls you just tell me I will never talk or see Everest again. All I need to know is why?  I’m all alone because I became very ill when I lived in Georgia . I had to find a place fast. I lived in a town where no one understood my disease because they didn’t want to.  I had to muster every bit of courage and  strength left in me to pack up that 2400  square-foot house after thinking how the hell am I going to get out of there.  I d

Kevin  Fowler Spacey “Every picture tells a story don’t it”   The whole Fowler family has some big dark secrets .  It wasn’t easy living with his brother.  

This speech will open many doors.  I hope one of them will be for you.  You are not forgotten.  Maybe, you were like me.  Afraid. Afraid because I thought I did something to cause all the pain that was done to me. It didn’t matter how pretty I was or how talented.  I was broken.  I’m still trying to glue myself back into who I think I deserve to be. But I’m a lot stronger now. https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=14KX7xOJsqE I have spent years trying to understand and forgive myself for  blaming Myself for all the many traumatic situations I have survived miraculously.  Yes, even the sexual assaults.  I might not have Stefani's voice but everything she said Affected me so deeply including the PTSD, the physical pain... .  Hiding away.  Trying to go on, I too felt every day.  I was given many opportunities just like her. Opportunities that could have brought me into that room with her. But I kept turning them down, blaming my daughter, because she d

2008 February Day before Mastectomy  In Japan, they don’t see the cracks or scars as broken pieces. Kintsugi teaches that broken objects are not something to hide but to display with pride.  The unique cracks each tell a story. The breaks become beauty.   They take on a whole new life of their own. I am “kintsugi”.  My art has always reflected my scars.  This has become a whole new awareness for me and my art. I am now in the tenth year of my breast cancer survival.  I was all ready to have final two procedures to finish my breast reconstruction.  At the last hour the night before my surgery, literally the 11th hour I was told that I didn’t have an aide for overnight stay, so anesthesia was out . My plastic surgeon is a real NY curmudgeon,  He was mad at me when I arrived at his office. I walked in and he looked stern.  He said he was not happy about screwing up his surgery schedule.  I tried to explain how it was the Personal Aide Agency that messed my s